by Darcie D. Sims
The holidays are coming and I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready again. It’s winter and I feel as frozen inside as the landscape is outside. I tried making out my gift list today, but the tears kept getting in the way. It is so hard to think about gifts and fun and the holidays when a loved one has died.
Working Your Way Through When you’ve lost a loved one, the holiday season can be a painful reminder of the terrible loss you are feeling—instead of bringing warmth, love, and excitement. The first few years are perhaps the most difficult, but even years later, the holidays may lack the joy they once had for you.
There are steps you can take, however, to help give the holidays a new meaning. The holidays can become a time of peace and reflection, a time to cherish the gift your loved one has been—and continues to be—in the life of your family. Here are a few ideas that may help you begin the journey.
Be patient and realistic. Sometimes our own high expectations of the holidays make the pain and frustration more acute. We have a mental picture of how things ought to be. Often, however, those expectations are based more on fantasy than reality. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and realistic about what you expect.
Decide what is important to you this holiday season, and scratch the rest off the list this year. You can always add things back in years to come.
Listen to your heart and acknowledge your limits. Remember that it is O.K. to say no. You do not have to accept every invitation or fulfill every responsibility that comes your way this holiday season.
Do what you can this holiday season, and let that be sufficient. If you can’t decorate the yard, decorate the house. If the house seems too big to tackle, decorate a room, a corner, or a table. There is nothing wrong with simplicity.
Adapt cherished traditions. When loss and grief overwhelm us at the holidays, we are sometimes tempted to scrap the whole thing, to do absolutely nothing. But you can keep traditions alive in ways that make sense given the new reality of your life.
For instance, if the fact that you won’t be buying a gift for your departed loved one this year saddens you, buy a simple gift that you know he or she would have liked and give it to someone who otherwise would not have a gift. Remember that it is the exchange of love—the giving—that matters most.
If you are alone this year as a result of your loss, find a way to share a part of the holidays with others. Visit a soup kitchen or stop by a nursing home. You may find yourself forging new bonds out of shared losses.
Allow the tears to come, but look for joy amidst the pain. As you unpack and sift through holiday decorations, understand that along with the warm, loving memories, you will be unpacking some heartaches as well. Don’t deny yourself the gift of healing tears.
Sometimes all we can remember are the painful details surrounding our loved one’s death. This holiday season, try also to remember all the wonderful moments of your loved one’s life. Think of all the gifts your loved one has given to you—joy, laughter, affection, companionship.
Focus on the spiritual dimension of the holidays. In this season of light, remember the light your loved one has brought to your life. Light a special candle—not in memory of a death, but in celebration of a life and a love shared. Spend a moment in a quiet prayer of thanksgiving for having loved and been loved by this person.
Take heart. As you learn to create a new reality for yourself, temper your expectations with compassion and gentleness.
May love be what you, too, remember the most.
Excerpt taken from “Getting Through the Holidays When You’ve Lost a Loved One” CareNote.
