By Carol Luebering
Memory writes on every page of the calendar—here a birthday, there a holiday, further on a wedding date. In the wake of death, those precious days bear a bittersweet tinge, a pang that the celebrations they mark will never be repeated with someone you have loved.
Whether this is your first turn around the calendar—or one of many—since your loss, these dates loom dark on the horizon. Tears that you thought were behind you swell again, and with them comes a terrible loneliness.
These days will not be wished away, even if you pull the covers over your head and wait for the sun to set. And perhaps nothing you can do will make them easy. But you can meet these milestones head-on and make them into a bridge stretching toward a brighter tomorrow.
Begin by planning a departure from your usual activities. Take the dreaded day off work, if you can. No use pretending that this day is like any other; it isn’t. Don’t let anyone—yourself included—accuse you of “wallowing” in grief. Taking time to lean into your sorrow is facing reality.
Reach out. Choose your company for the day. Don’t wait for someone to remember. Your grief easily slips out of mind—even within the closest circle of family and friends. Start dropping reminders when the day’s approach first begins to haunt you. Don’t assume that the best company is those with whom you have always spent that day. You might be more comfortable with someone who has been in your shoes.
Don’t forget to tap the support of your faith-community. In the Jewish tradition, bereaved families light a 24-hour candle on the anniversary of a death and recite prayers of remembrance at the synagogue service. Roman Catholics mark special days with a Mass. Both practices reflect a centuries-old wisdom, rallying the support of the believing community.
Whatever your faith-tradition, ask for prayers.
Look back. Claim your memories, those bits of history which have made you who you are. Someone once observed that “memory is the power to gather roses in winter.” Clip your bouquet. Get out the scrapbook and the love letters; line up the gifts and souvenirs you cherish. Call to mind all the joys and struggles which shaped this interrupted relationship.
Claim your grief. Give yourself permission to cry as much as you need to. Relive once more the illness or accident which precipitated your loss. Recapture the feelings which swept over you at the time of death.
Survey your journey through the calendar so far, with all its ups and downs. Take stock of how far you have come, of the unexpected strengths you have found within yourself.
Look forward. Close at least one small door on the past. Make a conscious act of forgiveness to someone: the love who abandoned you, the killer, the doctor who didn’t diagnose soon enough, yourself. Clean a closet, even if all you can do is rearrange it.
Celebrate today’s joys. Count the blessings you have, especially the people who grace your life with love.
Dream of being whole and happy. Imagine yourself facing life with confidence.
However unimaginable such wholeness may seem, it is the end toward which grief’s journey leads.
The turns through the calendar mark the passage of time: one year, two years, 10. But time works its magic only when it is used well.
On the days special in your memory, face the truth of your sorrow and the truth of the healing which has already begun. And believe the promise Jesus of Nazareth spoke: “Blessed are you who are now weeping, for you will laugh.”
Excerpt taken from Getting Through the Annual Reminders of Your Loss CareNote.
